Memorial Service 12/18/10

To Kate's friends,

I wanted to share with you part of my eulogy to Kate, but it was long & now feels so personal. I am sharing a poem that was read at the end of the service

FOR THOSE I LOVE, FOR THOSE WHO LOVE ME

When I am gone, release me let me go.

I have so many things to see & do.

You mustn’t tie yourself to me with tears.

Be happy that we had so many years.

I gave you my love. You can only guess how much you gave me in happiness.

I thank you for the love you each have shown.

But now it’s time I travel on alone.

So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must.

And let your grief be comforted by trust.

It’s only for a while that we must part.

So bless the memories that lie within your heart.

I won’t be far away, for life goes on.

So if you need me, call & I will come.

If you can’t see me or touch me, know I’ll be near.

If you listen with your heart, you will hear all of my love around you soft & clear.

And then, when you must come this way alone….

I’ll greet you with a smile & say “Welcome home.”

Our Kate

This sad message is to all of you from Pat, her mom, & Rob, her husband,

Our beloved Kate passed away on Sunday, December 12 at about 8:45 in the morning. She is finally at peace at last.

We will let you know more information about her celebration of life services coming up this weekend.

I know she would have loved to talked to all you before she left us. Know that she spoke about many of you with great joy & stories often to her family & was glad to have so many caring friends.

Pat and Rob

Very sad news

This is Pat, Kate's mom, writing again to all of you for Kate. Hi to everyone that has wanted to keep up on what is happening with Kate & our 22 month journey with cancer. I am so sorry to give you bad news that has been coming for some time.

Kate is very sick & the physicians & specialists have all said that there is no further treatment they can do for her. They believe she has pancreatic cancer & that is what has been causing all the secondary problems of vomiting, extreme weight loss & fluid in her abdomen. The best that can be done now & in the future is help her be very comfortable at all times. We don't know when she will pass away from all of us--it just depends upon her body's ability to keep functioning despite her disease. Right now she is able to keep down popscicles & an occasional frappachino (eggnog is her favorite) if she takes it down very slow. Rob, I and her family are all spending time with her in the hospital so she knows she is loved. Right now she is still receiving IV medication for nausea so she will be staying in the hospital at Vacaville Kaiser for the time being. Friends are visiting only for very short periods. Thereafter she will be going to in-home hospice & will be able to be with her loving cats & family at home. Rob & I will learn how to give medications IV & be supervised by the hospice nurses who will be available 24 hrs/7 days & a hospice specialist MD will supervise everything.

I am sure many of you would like to send messages to Kate. I will do my best to make copies of your responses & read them to her or give them to her to read.

I will keep you all updated since I know that all of you care for her & she wants you to know she cares for you too. Keep Kate in your thoughts & prayers.

Pat

Hi Everyone. It's Kate's mom, Pat, writing to you for Kate. I'll try to give you enough information in her blog like she does. She wanted to keep you all up to date about what is happening. Kate went into the hospital in the beginning October to remove fluid from her abdominal cavity. They did put a cannula needle into her abdomen after carefully looking to see where all the fluid was located by an ultrasound imaging. On 10/9 they took out 5 1/2 liters of fluid. She felt so much better. Three days later her MD took out 7 more liters (think 2-liter soda bottles) but it was too much--that much fluid loss pulls fluid from her veins & arteries such that she had severe pain & cramping beyond belief. Her pain meds were increased & she started to feel better but had difficulty eating much more than a couple bites of sandwich or a juice box. They had to change her pain meds because she started hallucinating (without LSD :)) & became very confused. So her pain meds were changed again. After 3 weeks she came home but was having real problems keeping food down--even the special nutrition through her feeding tube. So the radiology doctors had a tube put into her abdomen so she could herself slowly drain fluid from her abdomen so she wasn't in pain on Thurs. But on Friday she couldn't keep anything down.....so back to the hospital in Vacaville she went. An X-ray showed she might have an obstruction in her intestine so she had another tube put down her nose & throat into her stomach to drain out bile & fluids (which helps digest food) so she stops throwing up. [Sorry for all the nasty details]. The doctor & a consulting surgeon do not believe the obstruction is cancer--THANK GOD! And it worked! She's able now to take in fluids, jello, & ice chips without losing it all. She's going to have another X-ray tomorrow. The doctors want to see that any closure of her intestines has gone away. Today she was walking around the huge nursing station, talking to everyone & able to stay out of bed for at least 5 hours. We were able to laugh about things & I am so happy to see her back to being close to herself. Her pain meds are in control & she won't leave the hospital until she can take in nutrition by mouth & tube.

I know she thanks all of you for your support, concern & prayers. There is one more step we need to take to fighting her cancer. Yes, they found cancer cells in the fluid taken from her abdomen & her blood tests indicate she has cancer again. Her PET scan & CT scan were inconclusive. Cancer is such a terrible disease--normal cells growing out of control! Her oncologist wants to get her back on chemotherapy once she gets stronger to fight off this disease (chemo worked last year to stop progress of cancer). Rob her husband & all her family are all there to help support her. Please add your support & loving concerns too to this long hard fight.

She would laughingly tell you she's now 196 lbs. & has no fat on her body. She is still our beautiful Kate no matter what size she has become. We're looking forward to having her home soon--maybe before Thanksgiving. Her wonderful sister-in-law is taking over the job of a traditional meal for the whole family. Her grandfather from Arizona is coming to be with her for her birthday on Nov. 30. I won't tell you her age, but it's a major milestone.

I will try to keep everyone updated until Kate can write her own posts--hopefully soon! I'm so proud of her keeping up her will & determination to keep fighting in her own quiet way.

Thank you all for your posts & support! And also to Rob who works long hours & is there for her at the end of the day no matter how tired he has become.

Love to all of Kate's supporters, family & friends.

Pat

Sadness and Relief

I just read my dear friend Mary's blog and her brother wrote that she passed away today at 2:45cst. I am so very thankful that her pain and suffering is over I just didn't think that she would pass so fast going into hospice care.

I'm grateful she was a loving wife and was given the gift of being a mommy to their adopted little girl Annika. I will miss her like mad and am sad I didn't get to talk to or see her in her final hours. She is with God and the world will miss her.

What a day

I read my girlfriend Mary's site that keeps family and friends up to date on her condition. Today was bad news. Last night they, Mary and Jerry, decided that her body can fight no longer and they aren't going to take anymore precautions to slow the cancer down. I'm so tired of crying, I never thought that this would happen so soon, not to my Mary.

I met Mary in college around 1992 and when we're together it's as though we've never been apart. I hate that I can't go see her before pain and suffering ends, I'm just glad that it will be over for her. She's fought a good fight and now it's time to let her body be at peace. To think that last year before she found out she had everything she has ever wanted. An awesome loving husband and a brand new baby girl, Annika, who they adopted Jan. of '08. Just kills me that she won't remember her mommy, I sure hope that the family and friends remind her everyday of what her mommy looked like and later in life all the fabulous things she did.

Mary was my maid of honor and she rocked!!! We spent a week together before the wedding, I think Rob was jealous of our relationship, well that and we hadn't seen each other in a few years. She has touched so many lives and have only made their lives better for knowing her. During the week she was here we called her Navy Seal Mary as there was nothing that she couldn't do or find out how to do it.

She will be in my mind , heart, thoughts and prayers that this last transition goes easily.
I love you Mary!!!
Kate

What's on my mind

I read yesterday an email from my oncologist about my lab results and it just makes me cry. My
CA19-9 is a marker for the pancreas and it's at 286 which is pretty high. My oncologist thinks that my "disease" (cancer) has progressed. Well what a fine way to tell me in an email. She has a very poor mode of communication and if anything is off she's positive that the cancer has progressed. Just gets old.

Tomorrow I have a PET scan where I get to drink this nasty banana contrast liquid and then lay in the chamber for 45 mins. or so. The whole process takes 2 hours and my appointment isn't until 5:30 in Walnut Creek. Needless to say, it's going to be a long day.

The last couple of days I've been feeling kinda crappy. Very tired, no appetite, just blah. I've been reading the posts from my girlfriend Mary in MN, who's going through this same shit but her's is progressing. Just makes me sad. I love her so much and I hate to know that she's going through so much pain. She and I are way too damn young for all this crap. And for the really shitty part is that she adopted a sweet baby girl on Jan.30,2009. I know she is the best mom and I'm sure it's just killing her that she can't be with her baby girl. I think and pray for her every day and we seem to keep getting shitty news.

My PET has me a little scared tomorrow. I'm scared that the results will show glowing in my abdomen, meaning cancer has spread. My weight is down to 220, but my abdomen looks as if I'm 7-8 months pregnant. I so wish that were the case instead of this fluid build up.

My wound on my abdomen is almost healed and I'll finally be able to take a shower. Having the home health aide wash my hair in the kitchen sink is getting old, although I do enjoy having lotion rubbed on my legs and feet. That part is relaxing.

Well that's it for now. Going back to playing sudoku online.
Until later,
Kate

September 15, 2010

Hello everyone! I know it's been a very long time since I've posted and I apologize, but I am here now to bring everyone up to date on my health.

Starting in Jan. and Feb. I began to gain water weight. We're talking fast! I gained 70lbs. in 5 weeks and it was awful! I couldn't dress myself, I couldn't get in and out of the car by myself (I think that was the most frustrating part). Plain and simple I was just miserable.

I went into the hospital in March and they gave me IV lasix and I lost 10 lbs. in a week which was awesome but they were unable to tell me what happened and why I gained all this weight. So without a great plan or a follow up plan they sent me home after a week. So I'm back at home and still not losing any water weight and I'm taking a fairly high dose of lasix and this goes on for the next few months.

My abdomen is so distended I look as though I'm 9 months pregnant. I believe on June 6th is when I bumped my stomach on the counter in the kitchen, we have tall counters. Didn't think much of it and then I noticed a bruise and by the 8th it was black and raised. That night I went to sleep and woke up with this wet feeling. The bruised area had opened up and was leaking all over me. Then it hit me, the smell. It was infection, there's just something about that smell that you never forget or mistake what it is. So I call Rob and I get some paper towels and I start pushing on my abdomen and try to get the puss and nastiness to come out but there was so much. Needless to say we went to the ER in Vacaville.

This is what I remember: We got to the ER and they weighed me, I was at 310, and I had been 232 in Jan., so I was quite shocked. They put me in the wheelchair and took me back into the ER area and that's all I remember. Once I was in the ER they prepped me and took me to surgery, I had an infection in my abdomen that was going to kill me and they had to get it out immediately. This is Wed., then on Thurs. morning they took me back to surgery to clean more out of my open wound.

I was in ICU until Friday night or Sat. not sure, I was pretty out of it. I had all sorts of hoses coming out of me. They hooked me up to a wound vac, which is this machine that suctions the fluid out of the wound. I can't even explain the pain and I have a very high pain tolerance and the meds they were giving me weren't working right away.

So with this wound vac, they had to change the dressing every Mon., Wed., and Fri. Betty was her name, and she was awesome (wound care specialist). The first time I had the wound vac bandages changed I about lost it. I know I screamed a little and cried a lot. They had put so much tape on me and when she was pealing it off it was like pealing your skin off slowly. Needless to say I hated M,W,and F and Betty knew it. We up'd my medication a half hour before she began the procedure and it just took the screaming part away. I kept telling myself, this won't last forever, over and over again.

I believe after a week or so they decided that I needed to have supplemental feeding as they believed that I was not absorbing the nutrients that I needed. I was very malnutritioned. The biggest concern was my prealbumin which is an indicator of protein absorption. My level was at it's lowest 1.9 (in June) and the range it should have been in is 18.0 to 41. So they put in an NG tube (feeding tube through my nose and into my stomach) and did feedings while I slept. Slowly my prealbumin began to increase. I started out with clear fluids at first and advanced to eat regular food during the day.

At some point one of the Drs. decided that he was going to take some of the fluid out of my abdomen and run some tests. So I went to ultrasound so they could pin point a location of the fluid and then the Dr. went in and took out 3 liters of fluid. It felt so good to not have that pressure anymore, but unfortunately it didn't last, only 2 days and the fluid was back.

I stayed in the hospital just over a month as they monitored my blood levels and took care of my open wound. I was scared to come home. I was taking so many different medications and vitamins and I didn't have to worry about preparing food and so on and so forth. Everything was being taken care of.

I was discharged I believe on July 9th and they had everything set up for me. I have a hospital bed in my living room to keep my head elevated while I get feedings as I sleep. I have a nurse that comes M,Wand F to take blood for labs to monitor my levels since I'm on a high dose of Bumex (stronger than lasix). The nurse also checks on my wound and it's almost done healing. It started around 27 cm long across my abdomen and 15 cm wide. Now it's 8 cm long and 3 cm wide. When the nurse isn't here I do my own dressing changes twice a day. I also have an in Home Health Aide come to the house 2 times a week to help with washing my hair in the sink and washing my back and feet and legs. Everyone has been so helpful I don't think I would have made it without them.

When I left the hospital I weighed 246 and I now weigh 215. I haven't weighed this since high school, so a very long time ago. I still look like I'm about 7 months pregnant with the fluid in my abdomen but we think the fluid is slowly being absorbed.

I will try my best to keep up to date and I'll write more if I have forgotten some important info that has happened.

Thank-you all for your thoughts and prayers!!! I wouldn't have made it this far without all of you.

Until next time,
Kate

It's been awhile again..........

Don't mean to scare anyone but things here have had it's ups and downs. I managed to do 3 chemo treatments in a row and have found that I won't be doing that again. Really kicked my butt!!! I still have 3 more sessions to go, so just 3 more treatments and then I'm done with the current plan. We're supposed to do a CAT scan afterwards to make sure nothing has come back and then I'm not sure where we go from there. Still lots of good thoughts and prayers needed.

I did get some good news, my job offered me my job back and I'm so excited and nervous at the same time just because it's been so long.

Sorry this is so short, but I just wanted to get a little blurb in about how things are going and I will write more later.

Take care and thanks for the prayers and well wishes as always.
Until next time,
Kate